Date: 12th April 2020 at 7:00pm
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With Tottenham Hotspurs’ decision to furlough non-playing staff, whilst players continued to take their full contracted wage – it naturally led to a fair amount of ‘strong’ discussion and our previous thread wasn’t quite the ‘distraction’ it was originally intended to be.

So here’s another one.

Good news stories, awful jokes, nonsense and such like please Vital Spurs.

Click for the forum

116 Replies to “The CovYid Joke & Good News Thread 2”


    I’m completely bureaucratic,
    And I follow all the rules
    I rarely show initiative,
    For I don’t have the …
    Necessary knowledge and experience.

    I have a mission statement,
    And it says I’m here to serve,
    And I think the chap who wrote it,
    Had entirely lost his …
    Doubts about a brave new world.

    I’m assured long term employment,
    And enjoy abundant perks,
    Which support me through the red tape,
    I encounter from those …
    People of vision in senior management.

    My door is always open,
    And my welcome is sincere,
    Unless I’ve popped out briefly,
    For a glass or two of …
    Motivational therapy.

    I appear to be productive,
    Which is difficult and tricky,
    So I overcome the pressure,
    With at least one weekly …
    Course on stress management.

    I am subject to appraisal,
    For ‘performance’ is the notion,
    And should I be found wanting,
    I’m assured of swift …
    Re-negotiation of my workplace agreement.

    When it comes to job selection,
    There are several well-tried ploys,
    To avoid the proper process,
    And ensure jobs for the …
    Most suitable applicant.

    I’m an average ‘Govie’ worker,
    And I’m proud of my success,
    I’m a classic civil servant,
    And my life’s a total …
    Series of wonderful achievements.

  • I’m amazed that all the transfer gossip, etc, keeps rolling on as if everything is normal. I just don’t seem to be remotely interested in any of it at the moment and haven’t given any thoughts to football for weeks. Strange, ain’t it.

    But it seems a good idea to keep the VS family connected with a happier thread. Might work!

    • Geofspurs….the bullshit media we have, esp here, has to write any bloody thing to fill the back pages and Sky have to justify a Sports news section, just my opinion mate, you keep safe down under. COYS 4 ever

  • In this unprecedented times…. All this talk of transfers is by journalists keeping their bosses happy, so as not to be laid off ! Players agents also have to keep their client profile up front, or they will be replaced. So there we have the two very connected (old pals act) main sources of transfer gossip, and complete fake news, of football across europe.

  • I’d like a transfer of my own right now, Geof. And, as a free agent, I am willing to listen to any decent offers from around the world, that come my way.

    Are there any Vital Spursers out there, living on a remote and beautiful Island, where the sun always shines and the coronavirus hasn’t reared its ugly head? And yet, you somehow feel left out. Well… Let’s swap places!

    I mean… If you are feeling somewhat remote and would like a change of scenery, London is now a quiet and relatively peaceful place to be. So, if would like to retain a relatively laid back back and peaceful lifestyle but would like to experience living in an urban metropolis for a change, then London is ideal. It’s now full of non-moving cars, closed restaurants, cafes, bars, cinemas, clubs, concert halls etc., and yet still full to the brim and bursting with millions of people. Albeit, many invisible people that like to keep themselves to themselves and stay at home a lot… They do still shop and walk and run and cycle a bit. But they rather unselfishly only do this in short spurts and only as part of their daily exercise routines and to fulfil their obvious needs for food, alcohol and loo roll. But they do also respect each others space and will kindly keep out of your face and at least 2 metres away at all times. It’s all very nice and civilised, I believe.

    So, if the sounds of the open sea or the unsettling noise of the jungle wildlife is getting you down. If the endless sunshine , exotic fruits and sandy beaches make you sad. If you’re ever so lonely but ironically still want solitude, then come to London Town.

    It’s the best of both worlds. People everywhere and yet self-isolation is the name of the game. But for good measure, for just one day a week on a Thursday, you can (if you choose) join all on the streets and perform the ritual claps and cheers for the NHS, whilst knowing that there is still a certain safety in numbers. But only as long as you do keep your distance.

    Lot’s of people and yet no need to be sociable anymore. Solitude without being totally alone. Homes that are full of life but streets that are empty. Birdsong clear and loud, uninterrupted by the sound of machinery. But electricity, running water and broadband aplenty! A million cars but no one driving them. Pollution is low and the air is clean. Nights are cold but the days are warm. Unemployment is acceptable and no longer frowned upon and claiming benefits or financial help is encouraged………. I think you might get my drift….

    So, come to London Town. Where Hell is like Heaven but Heaven is Hell… Blissful but frightening. Peaceful but with a deafening silence! All of the inner city hassles but without the hustle n bustle.

    Come to London Town…Where you can be,… Locked down but not locked up… Imprisoned yet free . Lonely but not alone.

    Now that I have cheered you all up, let’s all sing a song….

    Glory. glory Tottenham Hotspurs…….

    Oh when the Spurs
    Go marching in……

    Yid Army!
    ……………………….. maybe not!

  • Before the Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart. I know fart to cover my coughs!

  • You do paint a pretty picture HT. Maybe this will help you decide about a transfer direction.


    When your city life’s stagnating from the pathos it’s creating,
    And every day’s a case of ‘Déjà vu’.
    When your eyes turn ever yonder and your feet both itch to wander,
    That land much further out is calling you.

    Each horizon tells the story of the outback’s timeless glory,
    In those awesome wonders found in every part.
    For the bushland of Australia can redeem each city failure,
    And refill the empty spaces of the heart.

    Out where lonely streams meander through the rugged mountain grandeur,
    And reach across those mulga covered plains.
    Where the sun is fierce and blinding and the dusty tracks go winding,
    Where, once, pioneers braved drought and flooding rains.

    Where the crimson sky is dawning as the night delivers morning,
    And the world awakes, refreshed, to meet each day.
    Far from town and city living, with its take but little giving,
    Can you feel the outback luring you away?

    Where the dingo’s sudden howling sees the hunter pause his prowling,
    And the lizard hides from wedge-tails on the wing.
    Where the Dreamtime still embraces all the black man’s sacred places,
    And, as dark falls, you can hear those spirits sing.

    Where the Southern Cross is glowing and God’s miracles are showing,
    Lending inspiration to the poet’s verse.
    Where your pulse is less erratic, far away from city traffic,
    And your life is not dictated by your purse.

    Where the bold, intrepid drover, pushed his mob of cattle over,
    From Queensland to the Kimb’ley and beyond.
    Out where freedom comes to greet you and your fears cannot defeat you –
    The outback’s voice beseeches you, ‘Come on’.

    Where a distant coo-ee’s echo from a stranger ‘cross the meadow,
    Brings a welcome, long renown in outback lore.
    For a greeting meets each stranger – not the sudden fear of danger,
    As his journey brings him briefly to your door.

    Where the sunlight cloaks the ranges in a veil of subtle changes,
    As the star of life treks daily o’er the earth.
    Where the wind’s serene caresses soothes away those city stresses,
    And there’s time to judge your life for what it’s worth.

    The Australian bush is magic, and to miss it would be tragic,
    Why not join those great explorers from the past.
    Tread those lonely tracks they followed, for our time is only borrowed
    And we need to make each treasured moment last.

    So then, heed the voice that’s calling – is the idea so appalling?
    And wander where you’ve never dared before.
    Try to be a little bolder – strap your swag across your shoulder,
    Go where freedom comes to greet you, and explore!

  • Being unable to count on a handy supply of toilet paper, I am too scared to fart … just in case.

  • Are these your own words that you’re sharing with us Geof?

    I have a feeling they are. Excellent stuff, mate!

  • Good morning people, hope your all keeping safe.

    Just read 2 of our number talking about farting, lol!, guilty ones HT and Geofspurs, well yesterday I read an article written by a Prof, name I forget, who said through his studies he has discovered C19 can be passed on through farting, as the virus has been discovered in faeces, to me it is probably shit writing, but who knows.

    All keep well and safe. COYS 4 ever.

  • There was this fat/obese man who lives on benefits sitting on his settee, crisps and beer in hands, saying people always said I would amount to nothing, how wrong were they, now I am saving lives. COYS 4 ever

  • HT … They are and thanks. The ones on here have been previously published. There are many, across many years!

    How are ya PY?

    • Geofspurs, as best as can be expected esp with all these twats around who think they are beyond the rules of safety, that’s my gripe lol! er in doors is keeping her chin up esp as she reads all the whingers on Facebook hahaha!

      Hope you and your kin are keepin safe n sound. COYS 4 ever

  • And now for something philosophical…

    “Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
    ― Benjamin Franklin Wade

    “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
    ― Nicolas Chamfort

    “A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
    ― Albert Einstein

    “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
    ― Socrates

    “If it turns out that there is a God…the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”
    ― Woody Allen

    “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
    ― Nicolas Chamfort

    Money does not guarantee success.
    José Mourinho

  • Nice ones, HT. As for ‘free ourselves from this prison’ I guess we’d all be happy just to get out of the house. lol

  • At long last Levy and his cohorts have been shamed and forced by adverse comment into paying non playing staff full wages for April and May rather than burdening the furlough scheme, finally behaving in accordance with their Forbes rating as the 9th most valuable football club in the world. Well done to the supporters Trust for having their say. Incidentally how did Levy get a 3 million bonus for the completion of the ground albeit being best part of a year late, you couldn’t make it up.

  • Hello Frank. I hope you’re well and keeping safe…..

    Maybe it would’ve been 5m frank if it was delivered on time.

  • Hey Frank, I hadn’t heard Levy had a change of tune, thanks for letting us know, anyway it can take a big man to except he was wrong.

    Hope you and your lot are keeping safe, we are doing our best.

    HT….oooh! stirring lol! Keep well mate. COYS 4 ever

  • I hope all the Spurs family are keeping well, my good lady and I are in self isolation due to her vulnerability but we have great neighbours and family support, so far so good. It’s bloody frightening for us old uns.

  • Well my life hasn’t changed a bit. I’ve been totally homebound for 8 years, live alone and have very few visits has i cant manage them. Nothing has changed for me other than football not being played. Then i listen to matches on radio if im up to it, or some of the match has one and half hours is often too long for me. I do catch the 10min MOTD highlights, just Tottenham.

    Funnily enough I’m not missing football. In fact this period has shown me just how miserable i was feeling this season with everything that has been happening at our club and in many ways i think my heart has been falling out if love with the game recently over past few years due to the ridiculous money involved but i haven’t listened to my heart and have clung on to my Spurs but the effects of this season were taking its toll on me and this break has shown me that. I can see how unhappy, unentertained, unimpressed, uninspired, unloving i have felt with my Spurs club and this has led me to not miss the game during this time.

    Also of course i feel there are more important things happening right now and i continue to live with a debilitating illness, self isolated probably for many more years so forgive me if i am not feeling the loss of football like many of you. I love the game, i love Spurs of 50 years but i think this season has brought about a crash that hit me hard. I loved MP, not saying he was perfect and didn’t bug me at times with some decisions, but i felt the club had direction, the players were like a family with MP, even Levy was getting warmer under MP guidance, and we getting close to achieving things and then bang it went pear shaped for various reasons and MP sacking and everything since has been a bit of a nightmare and not brought me much happiness and has left me wondering where the club is going and basically lost.

    So this break has shown me how deeply unhappy i had become with Spurs and i haven’t missed football at all. Its scary i feel tis way in a way and i think it is going to take something special to lift my spirits. Im not convinced of Jose appointment and i am very unsure of Spurs immediate future, whether we can surpass MP achievements or get back to entertaining football again.

    Has for talk of transfers its idiotic and tasteless and damn right stupid. For one we have a global pandemic that is costing lives and livelihoods and secondly do people think when football starts again its going to be full throttle and clubs are going to make transfers like nothing has happened because i don’t. We don’t even know whether next season will go ahead, we could have a second wave of this virus. We haven’t even overcome this first wave and there is so much more to overcome and deal with and quite frankly transfers shouldn’t imo even be discussed. I doubt for one minute any discussions are taking place regarding transfers, can you imagine if there was and it was made known the bad publicity besides clubs can’t think about such things because they don’t know what state they will be in after this pandemic. So these stories about transfers is ALL MADE UP, and this is UK media, false, lies and disgust.

    • Great post Loz, probably sums up how many of us have been feeling prior to the lockdown!

      Sending you very best wishes, can’t be easy living with such a debilitating condition.

      Take care and stay safe.

    • Loz….I ditto everything TQ2S says in his reply, my wife has been house bound as yourself for 8+ years, only difference is she has me, mmmm she might say swap lol.

      All the best and stay safe. COYS 4 ever

  • Frank, i hear you, i am concerned for my mum who is elderly and she lives alone and got to self isolate for 3 months. Luckily my brother and sister can do her shop but the isolation for the elderly who live alone is not going to be easy for many. Mum is used to going to a couple of clubs a week and being taken out shopping and for breakfast every week and its all been taken away. Of course i rather her be safe but still its going to hit some very hard.

    By all accounts so far she is doing great, getting on with it im so proud of her. She doesn’t moan, she is a very easy going person and very accepting but i still get concerned for her the longer this goes on.

    Stay safe.

  • This put a smile on my face.

    A 99-year-old army veteran who has joined the fundraising fight against Covid-19 has “smashed” his £500,000 target. Tom Moore aims to complete 100 laps of his Bedfordshire garden by Thursday, walking with the aid of a frame. He originally hoped to raise £1,000 for NHS Charities Together, to thank “magnificent” staff after recent treatment for a broken hip and cancer.

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